tweety stuff @ronanfromcork
As I was bent over with a fella’s hand gripping the top of my thigh, in a way that sounds somehow dirty and to keep you reading even though it’s a very standard position to be in whilst playing the game that is already the headline of the piece, so it’s not like you’ll think it’s anything else anyway, I was thinking, as I always do in the only terms of being thin and defining all people by their body shape, that I was burning calories which is how I measure the worth of all activities.
Now of course usually someone would have to buy me a drink to touch me there, and it’d have to be a girl of course, cos it’d be very ghey with a fella. But obviously if it was a girl touching another girl, it’d be fine, cos you know yerself SUGGESTION-OF-LESBIAN-SEX!
You see Ireland has had a rugby team for ages but now that they’ve done well in one game I’ve been given a commission to knock out an article with no subtly but it’ll be a larf and that’s all us lads are eh? Ignore the years of training and dedication, sure I might touch a mickey eh? Keep reading in case I do.
“You should see where I usually put my hand,” guffawed one of the lads in the scrum, I’d give you his name except it didn’t happen and it is impossible for two people to touch each other without at least one person masturbating the other.
So there I was touching two other people – in a rugby scrum – which is not remotely surprising since I’m in a rugby scrum. I turned around (which I can only assume is one thing you shouldn’t do in a scrum because why would you put your neck under that much pressure), so I could mention one of the lads showed me how he places his hand on the ‘taint of another. Take a second to make that image in your head of a man’s hand being an inch or two from another fella’s lunchbox but don’t waste anytime imagining how I could turn my head to look behind me while wedged between two other fellas.
This simple human contact, which is absolutely in keeping with the sport, and is no way sexual is like sex isn’t it? Which I haven’t had in a while… a point that is no way furthering the point of this article, but you see there I am implying you should think of me having sex. I’m a journalist by the way. I’m paid to do this.
Ha ha, but before you get all worked up thinking of me doing something, let me shatter the misconceptions you SHOULDN’T HAVE IN THE FIRST PLACE – you see a person can simply play sport and not have to be justify it or need to desexualise it.
These are just guys, simple guys, playing a game. Pretty ground breaking stuff, because everyone else bar me (you’re lucky I’m being paid to share this truth) thinks that guys playing rugby are uniform basic stereotypes.
They are guys who are fit and toned, which is quite surprising since they do a active sport 1 or 2 times a week, and they like looking good, cos a lot of people in this world try to not look good where possible.
“I never play a game without doing something unimportant first,” says Paul O’Connell, clocking my relief, because I need other people to validate pretty banal decisions I make myself.
Minutes earlier, I had arrived, without a modicum of plausibility, dressed up for socialising – socialising after something that would involved sweating AND wearing different clothes anyway – afterwards [I know what you might be thinking – maybe he thought he was just going to be watching the training rather than playing it, but sure didn’t I already say right at the start my editors told me when commissioning the piece I would be getting involved – what am I like? #blondemoment #usguyseh?], I was expecting a few raised eyebrows from my new-found team mates. (why would I be expecting raised eyebrows though? That implies that I already knew what I was wearing was a bad idea, and I’d enough time to change my outfit anyway.)
“Most of the guys are like that,” Brian O’Driscoll continues. “Our scrum half, Ronan O’Gara [breaking fourth wall – I don’t know many rugby players names and what position they play, closing fourth wall], never goes on the pitch without also doing something pretty banal, and to most people’s eyes counterproductive, but hey anything to help this article prop up a very poor preconception of what men should be. Isn’t it a bit worrying that I, as a guy, think this is worth reading, not to mention writing.
“You should see some of the girls,” he said, nodding on the pitch towards some women, who are also simply just exercising with some friends and not really thinking men would be watching them from afar talking about their appearance. “We call them The Spice Girls,” he chuckles before one of them looked at him and he realised he shouldn’t be caught talking like that within earshot of a woman, and realistically shouldn’t talk like that at all, otherwise it legitimises another fella talking like that about his mother or sister or anyone.
“Hey, where did she come out of?” A great looking woman man trots by.
“Where do I sign up for next season?” I mouth. (because I’m in a ZZ Top video or something, no one mouths anything except when they are 10 and swearing at their mum behind their backs) and also I couldn’t just walk up to her, start a conversation and ask her out.
“Put that on,” someone said, throwing a jersey my way, as I need help working out what to do with a jersey. I stretch around and ask people I’ve just met to reassure me I look good, when in fact my body shape does not change depending on what clothes I’m wearing.
But that doesn’t matter anyway does it, cos we’re just hear to play a game and have a laugh, and essentially revert back to the simpler times of playing as a kid and not be all self conscious and judgmental.
We try a move I understand is called a ‘line out’, because it is a very very very very unknown move in rugby which rarely happens and anyone reading this is probably unaware of it and whenever I write an article any time I use a term I preface it with ‘I understand”.
Next up came the tackle, the part where people use their entire body weight and momentum to push you onto the ground.
After the fellas who do those, what I understand are called, ‘tackles’ (TA-C-K-L-E-S) regularly did them on me, a novice, I wondered why anyone would want to do it. My inner self replied ‘well why does anybody do anything? It’s a mixture of impulse and interest, if something doesn’t appeal to you – fine. Get over yourself.’
The photographer flashed away gleefully beside me, but for some reason all the photos they’ll use on the website will be ones of me looking great and not doing what I just said happened. Us guys eh? But when we got back to the office, everyone else looked at them and laughed at me having fun. What are they like eh? #bantz.
“Don’t go easy on me,” I said to Jonah Lomu, an international player watched from the sidelines by his mum, that detail is not relevant is it? but it gives a hint that what I’m doing and he’s doing is valid. “Give me everything you’ve got.”
I charged at him with the ball, picturing Simon Zebo (I had to really use my imagination because there aren’t as many photos of him as you’d expect on the internet, you’d think there’d be more). I know what yer thinking, rugby 101 is that you don’t run AT the players instead you try to get AROUND them.
Unsurprisingly he knocked me on to the ground. Surprisingly though he managed to take me out from under my knees whilst I ran towards him. You’d almost thinking I’m pulling this stuff out of the air.
I made an involuntary sound as I fell on the ground, and the other fellas laughed, but luckily it was just fellas eh? If girls saw me be tackled in a game of rugby I’d look like some gobshite.
The coach of the team Eddie O’Sullivan, who trains both the male and female squads, explained the difference in putting the men and women through their paces, and – guess what he gives me a sound bite that gives me something to try and give this article some worth!
“Men and women, because all men are exactly the same and all women are exactly the same, have different attributes, that can be easily broken down into a few adjectives. Mad isn’t it?”
Before I left, I couldn’t resist asking the question (I can’t meet any group of people and not ask if they all like fucking each other, and guys all do that anyway don’t they? So me asking this is, if anything, an obvious question. Buuuuuut furthering that point why does a journalist ask the obvious questions?): “any rugby threesomes then?”
“We don’t get up to that sort here,” I was told bluntly, because he didn’t know me AND knew I was a journalist, and imagine what shite I’d write if I was given that morsel as a truth.
And one of the players I already mentioned reiterated “we don’t get up to that sort here, and even if we did there’d be no videos of it, and even if there were videos of it happening, we would make sure they were never sent around on social media.”
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